QUIZ NOs

If you're that guy/gal who still uses dial-up, carries around a Discman, and can't rewind your live TV, I'm assuming you have also not yet engrossed yourself in all the nuances that are Facebook. Fear not, for here is your introduction to the latest trend to sweep the interwebs: quizzes. People are taking these quizzes left and right, inundating my status updates page. A sample quiz update follows.

Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Breed of Dog Are You?" The result: Labrador Retriever.
The posting then goes on to describe a Labrador Retriever and why Rufus Chesterfield is like a Labrador Retriever. For the life of me, I can't figure out why I'm supposed to care about this. I'm thinking, Half the People on Facebook just took the quiz "What Brand of Crazy Are You?" The result: Straight Flippin'.

Regrettably, last night I failed to take a sleep aid. Once I realized it would not be a pleasant night for me without a sleep aid, it was too late to take one. I hate when I do that. You have to take it about 9 hours before you need to be up, else you have a REAL hard time opening your eyes in the morning. So, instead, I laid awake until about 2:30 AM thinking up really stupid Facebook quizzes. The result: This mildly humorous list for your reading pleasure.

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Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Brand of Underwear Are You?" The result: Fruit of the Loom.

Fruit of the Loom is an American company that manufactures clothing, particularly underwear. You are also American, have a tendency to act rather fruity, and like to keep your fun parts hidden. Relaxed and comfortable at all times, you are more interested in feeling good than looking good.

Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Variety of Nut Are You?" The result: Pistachio.

The pistachio nut is a greenish edible seed that comes from a small Asian tree of the cashew family. You are also small, Asian, green, and delicious. Being around you lowers people's cholesterol. You die your hair and can be quite salty at times.


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Feminine Hygiene Product Are You?" The result: Pantyliner.

A pantyliner is an absorbent piece of material used for feminine hygiene. Like a pantyliner, you are thin, disposable, and don't absorb much compared to those around you. You wish you had wings, but unfortunately you're not quite there. You like being close to women. A little too close.


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Skin Condition Are You?" The result: Alopecia.

Alopecia is the loss of hair from the head or body. Like alopecia, you are often bothersome and unwelcome. Alopecia is also the name of indie band Why?'s 3rd album, released last month. Perhaps the album's 4th track, "The Hollows," best describes you. Or maybe it's number 13, "By Torpedo or Crohn's."


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Type of Building Material Are You?" The result: Drywall.

Drywall is a common building material used globally for the finish construction of interior walls and ceilings. You are similar to drywall, in that you are known for being rigid. However, you are also strong and people can rely on you--to be incessantly plain and simple.


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Former Child Star Are You?" The result: Danny Bonaduce.

Dante Daniel Bonaduce is an Italian American radio/television personality, comedian, and former child actor who, as an adult, became known for his tumultuous personal life. You also face a life of dysfunction, addiction, and turmoil. Like "the Duce," you often both frighten and annoy those around you. You may be small, but you're damn feisty and not to be messed with.


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Early-'90s Expression Are You?" The result: Cowabunga!

Cowabunga! (slang) is an expression of surprise or amazement, often followed by "dude." You are fun, laid-back, and enjoy such hobbies as surfing and nunchucks. Like the year 1990, you have little to no fashion sense.


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Venereal Disease Are You?" The result: Herpes Type-2.

Herpes Type-2 is a virus more often associated with genital infections rather than oral. Similarly, you tend to let your genitals do the talking for you. You try influencing people and spreading your ideas by rubbing up against them. Strangely, this method often works for you.


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Pop-Star Are You?" The result: Miley Cyrus.

Miley Ray Cyrus (born Destiny Hope Cyrus) is an American singer and actress, best known for starring on the series Hannah Montana in the role of both Miley Stewart and Hannah Montana. Like Miley, you are way too cutesy in a very irritating way, you seem to have split personalities, and Radiohead thinks you need to grow up.


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Monster Ballad Are You?" The result: To Be With You, by Mr. Big.

The ballad "To Be With You" established hard rock band Mr. Big as a commercial success in 1991. You're the type to become friends with someone who's already taken just so you can swoop in once their relationship fails. Also, your style shows that you desperately want to rock but instead are super cheesy. Still, people can't help reminiscing fondly of times with you, however embarrassed they may be.


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Coming-of-Age Movie Are You?" The result: Stand By Me.

Stand By Me is a 1986 adventure/drama coming-of-age film portraying a journey embarked upon by four 12-year-old boys in the year 1959. You're a pretty cool cat, though you can be just a little hokey at times. You are wise beyond your years and possess a morbid sense of curiosity. You're not afraid to cry and your favorite food is cherry-flavored Pez.


Rufus Chesterfield just took the quiz "What Spaceballs Character Are You?" The result: Pizza the Hutt.

In Mel Brooks's Spaceballs from 1987, Pizza the Hutt is a cheesy blob shaped like a slice of pizza. You're known around town as a loan shark and a mobster. You're cheesy, slimy, and disgusting, and your own carelessness and greediness will be the end of you.


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Do you see how this can go on and on and on? Obviously. This was pretty much my thought process until 2 or so this morning, until I finally yelled at myself (in my head), "Enough! You have to stop! You have to go to sleep!" Then I tried my best to think happy thoughts until at last I drifted off. Lourdes Ciccone.

Moral of the story: It's best to take your Ambien by 11 PM.

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P.S. Disclaimer: Rufus Chesterfield is a fictional character. Any resemblance to a real person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited.

P.P.S. References: Wikipedia; Merriam-Webster's; Herpes.com.

P.P.S.S. (Is that how that goes?) MP apparently did not appreciate me posting such fake quiz results as "Manpanion just took the quiz 'What Brand of Underwear Are You?' The result: Fruit of the Loom" and "Manpanion just took the quiz 'What Skin Condition Are You?' The result: Alopecia" to his Facebook wall, since he promptly deleted them. MP just took the quiz "What Metaphor Are You?" The result: Stick in the Mud. So there.